From Burnout to Resilience

Many of my clients in coaching or therapy are women and managers. Women managers. At various levels in the organizations, mostly top & middle, sometimes executive or corporate. All of them truly amazing in more than one way. Very smart, diligent & responsible. Kind, attentive, considerate, thoughtful... sometimes even practical, hands-on, literally outperforming their male counterparts with practical tasks or in many other ways. Other times, with an artistic bent or beautiful, really beautiful, well dressed, perfectly matched clothes, but not in a boring way, but stylish, a flash of designer magic. Doing their best, trying to get better at everything (from leadership, to technical skills to self-development and parenting), working long hours after they have tucked their kids to bed, researching for work projects and doing all the homework, learning by themselves if there’s no one there to teach them, putting in extra time and going of course the extra mile, attending school and business meetings, running from one place to another with a rushed, but benevolent smile.

Sometimes I look at them in awe and wonder how they do it, how do they handle everything – career, motherhood, womanhood … all, but the simple act of being at peace with themselves. I read about the confidence gap, the gender gap, the self-promoting gap that women experience at work and I have, through the privilege of being their coach, insights into the inside stories, into the whys of it. Unsurprisingly, most of them can’t see what I see. Most of them just doubt themselves, think what they are doing is never enough, no matter how much… or not just yet, one more challenge overcome and maybe then, just one more thing and maybe then their efforts and achievements and, ultimately, themselves will be enough. Only they never are, for children, husbands and corporations never stop asking – especially from those who always give – they never stop expecting, the job is hardly ever done…

In the so often frantic corporate environment, with higher order managers, of course mostly men, with miscommunication and crisis happening, these women blame themselves when things go wrong. It’s not just that they take responsibility for their own stuff, they also carry the responsibility for others, not just for subordinates, but also for equals and, even more problematic, for the authority figures as well. They think it’s their fault when those on upper levels fail in their leadership job of taking care of them as high-performing employees, unconsciously continuing the child’s belief that if the parent did not provide, it must be the child who did or is somehow wrong. So, when the organization does not ensure the minimum resources of clarity, budget or support, but demands of them the near to impossible, they attribute the inevitable failure to their limitations. Pushing themselves to their already stretched limits, swallowing or even being disconnected from their self-protective anger, they often forget to say “NO, this I will not do”, or at least the more acceptable version of asking for what they need “Yes, I will do it under these circumstances” or of asking for help, not doing everything alone. When they are found in the out of balance, slightly toxic environment that unfortunately many organizations still are, they often come to seek professional help not so much to get themselves out of there, but to find new ways to endure further and longer.

It’s like the little grey baby swan surrounded by yellow ducklings – beautiful, graceful, powerful and amazing as it was, since it was alone among creatures that were different, she felt the odd one out and never came to realize its own beauty and uniqueness. And instead of keeping its head up in pride for the others to truly admire the full span of its wings open, my swan female clients curl up and hide their head under the water, even though they have swum faster and flown further than others. So when they finally see themselves in the mirror of compassion I am holding up for them, the spark in their eyes and the smile that lights up their faces are so, so precious that all the hardships they have endured remain in the past, where they belong, and at last they feel their own strength as a source of power and not as a shield that bulletproofed them from the rejection or standards of others. Of course, sometimes the journey takes a while, especially when there’s a lot suffering in their history, but the destination is clear: for them to take pride in the spread of their wings and really enjoy their flight.

To all the women managers I have encountered in my practice, and for those to come, I am grateful you share with me both your beauty and your doubts, the moments you dare and the instants you fear.

I also want to invite you all to impart – with others of your kind – the lessons you’ve learnt in your journey in our ZOOMCafé@AIMS on the topic “From Burnout to Resilience”, that we will organize this November. Bring along a friend who faces some of these challenges herself and could benefit from identifying own burnout symptoms or from finding inspiration in stories and connections that foster resilience.

Stay tuned for details and I hope we will soon meet, towards the end of November.

Article originally published on Linkedin.

Written by:

Gabriela Hanc

Professional Certified Coach, Psychotherapist, Trainer & Consultant